2 Years…

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That’s how long it’s been since I have actually held a long term job…

Two years since I have been forced to re-evaluate my life and how I need to do life…the new normal if you will.

This past July I decided to start my own direct selling business as well as offering services to people for items they may require such as cards; wedding invitations; holiday packaging…etc. It’s scary to head out into the unknown…especially if you end up gripped…crippled by fear of the future…and of truly letting go of the past.

Letting go of the past is hard…I am currently in a challenge to do just that…and I will tell you first hand that it WILL leave you raw…cause you will be opening some unhealed and in a lot of our cases…gapping, gory wounds…wounds that have festered…rotting our souls with poison. Yet as with physical wounds that need to be cleaned of infection; so too does the infections in our souls. Infections that are the result of abuse, neglect, of losing our hope, our trust and our faith in ourselves. Last night I put voice to all the things that spin inside my head that has held me back the last 6 months from really gaining a foot hold in where I want to be and who I want to be. It was terrifying…and liberating all in one go. It is my goal to reconnect my faith and trust in myself.

I will keep you posted on my journey…

Peace.

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I am afraid of…

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What I have become…

Since May….I have somehow misplaced my Joie-de-Vivre…

Actually misplaced isn’t the correct word…

I have LOST it…

I HAVE FUCKING LOST MY JOIE-DE-VIVRE!!!!

Instead…my joy has been sucked away by all the negative thoughts that have been sent my way since May 22…the day of my last post.

Lost to the overwhelming voices of those I hold dear in the effort to decide what I should be doing with my life…including how I run my business.

I am not sure how I let this happen…

I have never been one to actually give a fuck…nor even a rat’s ass about what anyone else thought (years of attempted bullying at school…I took no shit then…not sure why I am taking anyone’s shit now…) and yet as I find myself embarking on being self-employed I find that I care a lot about what people think.

Now…

Now…I am frozen in place by doubts…about the voices that everyone hears saying we’ll fail…

But no more I tell you…

NO MORE!!!

I have joined a challenge that will help me free myself from this crippling resistance…

Free myself from the crippling fear of the unknown…

It is time to take back my JOIE-DE-VIVRE!!!

Whatever it takes!!!

 

 

Get A How-To Manual…

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DIY…

I love DIY…

So much fun…

However…I still grab a manual…

Manuals are essential in the world of DIY…even if all you are making are hair dodads. At least to start; so you have an idea of how to apply chemicals and in which order you are to apply them…and most important…what not to do. From there you can make it your own, tweak it to your liking, add things…subtract things…substitution. The possibilities are endless in the world of DIY.

 

I will note that some things require a professional…like plumbing; heating; drywall and electrical…save yourself the aggravation and hire a professional.

 

 

 

 

Living In The Now…

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Got to live in the now…

Absolutely plan for the future…but live in the now.

Living in the now means; embracing your life as it is now instead of reacting to it. Embrace yourself for who you are; not for who you were 10 or 15 years ago; or who you think you’ll be 10 or 15 years from now.

For me it’s embracing the facts:

I am 42 years old this year; my life isn’t where I thought it would be.

It’s also about embracing the fact that it’s okay that this is so.

Life is funny in that it never really turns out the way we want, but it does turn out the way we hoped it would but would never admit it.

So I task you…my ardent readers…with this…

Live In The Now…

Embrace Who You Are…

The Key is Practicing Your Craft Everyday…Even If It’s For Just Yourself.

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I think it was Stephen King who once said that in order to be a writer you have to write something everyday. I think this holds true for almost everything we do.

It’s how people can sometimes turn hobbies into actual careers. It’s practicing their craft…EVERY DAY.

I know there are plenty of people out there who do the 9-5 and are happy to do it; and we need those people. Because let’s face it; we need customer service reps, and managers. I’ve grumbled enough myself about not reaching a real live person on the other end of the phone line to ever truly embrace full automation of our society. I think that’s why I favour table top gaming over video gaming…that human interaction.

Still the 9-5 aside; there are those who while doing that 9-5 also have a side gig. Building Soap Box Racers (I still wish my dad would have let me have one); Gazebos; Backyard Play Sets, Etc. Their hobbies, if you will, that they have parlayed into some extra cash for a date night with the SO; or paying for hockey for their munchkins; or as is the case here in my hometown…money to see you through because you or your SO have lost your main source of income.

So keep practicing your craft whatever it may be…

For as it’s also been said…

Practice does make perfect…

 

Good Enough To F*CK…Too Fat To Date…

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At the start of the last contract job I had I decided to put myself out into the Dating Stream again. I signed up for a couple of online dating accounts…

If you want to destroy any confidence you have in yourself when it comes to this type of thing…join an online dating site. These are guaranteed to whittle away any self worth you possess.

I posted a ‘head shot’ on my profile; along with a couple of snaps of my cute doggo’s and my grubby pickup.

I was super jazzed with the responses from guys…

Telling me I am beautiful and sexy…how much fun it is to talk to me, how they love getting to know me…

Then I posted a full body photo of this bodaciously, voluptuous bod…and…

*Crickets*

Then…

‘So, you wanna hook up?’

*sigh*

I hear you loud and clear SINGLE guys…

‘I’ll totally f*ck you but no way in hell would I ever date you…’ is what you are telling me. When I called a would-be ‘partner’ out on this his response was ‘Fair Assessment.’ Alright…here is another fair assessment…’You’re Wasting My Time…’

Needless to say this dude is in the rear view mirror…’See Ya!’

Or…we’ll be rolling along well then…POOF!…they vanish. No response…nothing…and I’m here going…Well Shit…What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? This happens a lot…actually it happens every single time…and I have been assured that it wasn’t me, but when something consistently happens and the only constant in the equation is me…then Me is the issue.

Or perhaps its not?   I’m a fairly confident person, and I seem to have a knack for bouncing back from set backs. I sometimes wonder if these men on these dating sites see a large girl and think she’ll be grateful when some guy asks for a Hook Up. FYI fellas…we’re not grateful…we’re actually annoyed…even irritated by your arrogance.

There is always an exception…someone who not only Talks the Talk but Walks the Walk. Started talking to a guy – I’ll call him RoofTop Monkey Man (sounds better than Roof Butcher…or Eater of Spitz); seem to get on pretty well; even managed to survive one of my less than stellar moments when a GETFTFTD response from someone upset my calm (I am sorry about that dude, I usually can keep a handle on it) and yet for all his interest…he seems…Not Interested. I hope he hasn’t injured himself on the job again, I have no right to worry about him but I do. I hope one day he’ll talk to me more…until then…

I’ll sort through the ongoing messages of…

Good Enough To Fuck…Too Fat To Date…

 

 

 

 

When You Don’t Fit The Mold…

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Amazing the small things that make you realize that things aren’t quite right…

Tonight I was changing the bed linen; weekly thing you understand…but tonight was different. I pulled out a long disused doona (duvet) cover, one I used when I was home last time. Haven’t used it much this time home as I have been using ones my mom had gifted me. Same with the quilt on my bed, one my mom made. Tonight I switched it out to the one I had on my bed before my latest return. Suddenly the vibe changed, it was as if I had come back from an extended trip, even though I have lived in this house for 3 years. As much I do like the other items…they aren’t really ME. I felt a strange sense of peace…which I haven’t had in ages. Almost as if the essence of ME had been tucked away in the trunk with these linens.

It made me realize what has been trying to get my attention all along…I don’t fit in the mold that others (more specifically…My Mother) feel I should be in. I have seen glimpses of where I should be here and there…but for the most part I have been trying to stuff myself into a life that isn’t for me to live.

I returned the quilt to my mother…and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders…the doona cover will go into the trunk once it’s been washed…and I will carry on down the path meant for me.