It’s Okay…to Not Be Okay…when it all goes Pete Tong..

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And it’s the hardest thing to admit…When We’re not Okay.

We tell people everything is find…even when it isn’t because you don’t want to be a burden to them. We say everything is alright because we don’t want to be marginalized by people who seem to think what we are feeling or why we are feeling it is trivial and we just need to suck it up.

Lots of things can get under our armour; A loss; A unexpected changed; even just a word from a friend that cuts deeper than one would think. And when this happens; we may not physically bleed, but we are bleeding just the same. Our hearts bleed; our souls bleed. The pain is just as sharp as if someone had cut you.

It’s okay to not be okay…

But don’t hide it…tell someone if they ask if your okay…tell them how you really feel and if you’re not okay…then tell them you’re not okay.

But admitting it…as I said above for the reasons I included above…is hard. Admitting this means you make yourself vulnerable, and being vulnerable is also hard. It means letting the world in – so your friends can come in too – and showing them your pain. It’s also hard when people walk away after they see your pain…they walk away because they can’t or won’t help you cope with your pain. This adds to the not being okay portion; when your crew walks away from you it can make you feel like the whole world is crashing down.

I have been there…hell I am still there.

Admitting you’re not okay doesn’t only happen once; it happens every time you’re not okay. It’s never just a blanket statement because tomorrow you may be okay…but the day after…you’re may not.

Admit to someone when you’re not okay…

Even if it’s just to yourself…

Cheers,

Krysta

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The Sound of Silence…

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“If there was a little more silence, if we all kept quiet…maybe we could understand something.” – Federico Fellini

The Sound of Silence…

While a sensory deprivation tank can give you true complete silence…the world around you actually cannot. Because the world and our environment isn’t silent.

Sitting in repose at the table today…without my usual music playing as I type up my thoughts for you gentle readers…I have come to realize that even without my music, there is a symphony at play around me. The sounds of the birds chirping, the hum of the refrigerator, the gentle snoring of my Wee Mouser Dog, Leaves rustling, Wind Chimes buffeted by the wind. Music that is sometimes missed as we go about our busy lives.

Yet, Silence is more than just an absence of sound; its of stillness, in our minds, our hearts and our souls. It’s in these moments that we can truly connect with and check in on ourselves. To root out the toxicity that is poisoning us. While the toxicity may not be a physical thing, it can certainly manifest as physical ailments, making us not only sick in mind, heart and soul, but in our bodies as well. Purging the toxicity is not a fast process, and remember to be gentle with yourself.

Most Important…Above All Else…

You Are a Work-In-Progress…

Cheers,

K

2 Years…

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That’s how long it’s been since I have actually held a long term job…

Two years since I have been forced to re-evaluate my life and how I need to do life…the new normal if you will.

This past July I decided to start my own direct selling business as well as offering services to people for items they may require such as cards; wedding invitations; holiday packaging…etc. It’s scary to head out into the unknown…especially if you end up gripped…crippled by fear of the future…and of truly letting go of the past.

Letting go of the past is hard…I am currently in a challenge to do just that…and I will tell you first hand that it WILL leave you raw…cause you will be opening some unhealed and in a lot of our cases…gapping, gory wounds…wounds that have festered…rotting our souls with poison. Yet as with physical wounds that need to be cleaned of infection; so too does the infections in our souls. Infections that are the result of abuse, neglect, of losing our hope, our trust and our faith in ourselves. Last night I put voice to all the things that spin inside my head that has held me back the last 6 months from really gaining a foot hold in where I want to be and who I want to be. It was terrifying…and liberating all in one go. It is my goal to reconnect my faith and trust in myself.

I will keep you posted on my journey…

Peace.

I am afraid of…

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What I have become…

Since May….I have somehow misplaced my Joie-de-Vivre…

Actually misplaced isn’t the correct word…

I have LOST it…

I HAVE FUCKING LOST MY JOIE-DE-VIVRE!!!!

Instead…my joy has been sucked away by all the negative thoughts that have been sent my way since May 22…the day of my last post.

Lost to the overwhelming voices of those I hold dear in the effort to decide what I should be doing with my life…including how I run my business.

I am not sure how I let this happen…

I have never been one to actually give a fuck…nor even a rat’s ass about what anyone else thought (years of attempted bullying at school…I took no shit then…not sure why I am taking anyone’s shit now…) and yet as I find myself embarking on being self-employed I find that I care a lot about what people think.

Now…

Now…I am frozen in place by doubts…about the voices that everyone hears saying we’ll fail…

But no more I tell you…

NO MORE!!!

I have joined a challenge that will help me free myself from this crippling resistance…

Free myself from the crippling fear of the unknown…

It is time to take back my JOIE-DE-VIVRE!!!

Whatever it takes!!!

 

 

Good Enough To F*CK…Too Fat To Date…

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At the start of the last contract job I had I decided to put myself out into the Dating Stream again. I signed up for a couple of online dating accounts…

If you want to destroy any confidence you have in yourself when it comes to this type of thing…join an online dating site. These are guaranteed to whittle away any self worth you possess.

I posted a ‘head shot’ on my profile; along with a couple of snaps of my cute doggo’s and my grubby pickup.

I was super jazzed with the responses from guys…

Telling me I am beautiful and sexy…how much fun it is to talk to me, how they love getting to know me…

Then I posted a full body photo of this bodaciously, voluptuous bod…and…

*Crickets*

Then…

‘So, you wanna hook up?’

*sigh*

I hear you loud and clear SINGLE guys…

‘I’ll totally f*ck you but no way in hell would I ever date you…’ is what you are telling me. When I called a would-be ‘partner’ out on this his response was ‘Fair Assessment.’ Alright…here is another fair assessment…’You’re Wasting My Time…’

Needless to say this dude is in the rear view mirror…’See Ya!’

Or…we’ll be rolling along well then…POOF!…they vanish. No response…nothing…and I’m here going…Well Shit…What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? This happens a lot…actually it happens every single time…and I have been assured that it wasn’t me, but when something consistently happens and the only constant in the equation is me…then Me is the issue.

Or perhaps its not?   I’m a fairly confident person, and I seem to have a knack for bouncing back from set backs. I sometimes wonder if these men on these dating sites see a large girl and think she’ll be grateful when some guy asks for a Hook Up. FYI fellas…we’re not grateful…we’re actually annoyed…even irritated by your arrogance.

There is always an exception…someone who not only Talks the Talk but Walks the Walk. Started talking to a guy – I’ll call him RoofTop Monkey Man (sounds better than Roof Butcher…or Eater of Spitz); seem to get on pretty well; even managed to survive one of my less than stellar moments when a GETFTFTD response from someone upset my calm (I am sorry about that dude, I usually can keep a handle on it) and yet for all his interest…he seems…Not Interested. I hope he hasn’t injured himself on the job again, I have no right to worry about him but I do. I hope one day he’ll talk to me more…until then…

I’ll sort through the ongoing messages of…

Good Enough To Fuck…Too Fat To Date…

 

 

 

 

When You Don’t Fit The Mold…

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Amazing the small things that make you realize that things aren’t quite right…

Tonight I was changing the bed linen; weekly thing you understand…but tonight was different. I pulled out a long disused doona (duvet) cover, one I used when I was home last time. Haven’t used it much this time home as I have been using ones my mom had gifted me. Same with the quilt on my bed, one my mom made. Tonight I switched it out to the one I had on my bed before my latest return. Suddenly the vibe changed, it was as if I had come back from an extended trip, even though I have lived in this house for 3 years. As much I do like the other items…they aren’t really ME. I felt a strange sense of peace…which I haven’t had in ages. Almost as if the essence of ME had been tucked away in the trunk with these linens.

It made me realize what has been trying to get my attention all along…I don’t fit in the mold that others (more specifically…My Mother) feel I should be in. I have seen glimpses of where I should be here and there…but for the most part I have been trying to stuff myself into a life that isn’t for me to live.

I returned the quilt to my mother…and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders…the doona cover will go into the trunk once it’s been washed…and I will carry on down the path meant for me.

 

 

 

Amazing What You Learn…

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When you step out of the usual…

 

I have learned that people are completely ridiculous. That the general public seem to think they can treat people who serve others like pieces of trash is quite frankly appalling. That businesses do actually have to post signs saying verbal abuse of staff is not tolerated because the general public don’t think twice about verbally abusing the person they are facing – who incidentally had nothing to do with the situation the client is currently in they were just the unfortunate soul who was working at the front desk.

I learned exactly what I bring to the ‘Table’ as it were when it comes to getting the job done – regardless of what people say, I have the skills still…and no amount of time is going to change that; nor will a piece of paper enhance that – and that getting the job done without fan fair gets noticed.

I have learned that contract work isn’t as bad as I once thought and that full-time at one company for an extended period of time isn’t as appealing as it’s made out to be.

I have learned that even if the ‘Captain’ of the ‘Ship’ is a complete twit; the ‘Crew’ can still get the job done if enough of the ‘Crew’ knows what they are doing.

I have learned that when you change your ‘course’ those around you will sometimes try and change you back to your old heading…but stay the ‘new course’ for it may be the adventure of a life time.