The longer it goes on…the harder it is to deal with…

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November 4, 2017 marked the one year anniversary of my unemployment.

I have been without a job for over a year.

In the early days it wasn’t too bad, I had been fired before, it wasn’t like I was in uncharted territory there.

I had been unemployed for a long stretch of time in the past, so this also was nothing new…and yet…it feels different…very different from before. It wasn’t until last night that realization hit me…

The last time I had been unemployed for an extended period of time, I was going to school. My unemployment didn’t weigh on me for I something else on the go, something that required energy, with deadlines and such. So my having no job allowed for me to do better in my studies than I normally might have. It was only toward the end of my schooling – 4 months to be precise – that I found a job, and a job no less that allowed me to persuade my course of study while still paying the bills.

This time however, I have no schooling to fill my days. You can only spend so long at the computer sending applications. The days of the walk in and drop off your resume is sadly in the past with perhaps the few exceptions still out there. So what else do you fill your time with? Networking? Absolutely because it’s not what you know it’s who you know…as it really always has been. Learning something new? Yes…do that too, you never know how it may help, but it very well could…even basket weaving could be an in somewhere.

Hobbies…if nothing else to occupy your mind…and feed your soul.

Therapy if you need it…

Because…

The longer you are unemployed…the more shitty you start to feel. And no one enjoys feeling like shit.

It’s not easy trying to keep your joy…it’s damn hard.

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Some things are best left unpublished…

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Sometimes I will begin a post, read it through and then delete it…

These are the posts that fall under best left unpublished…

I write things just to get them off my chest, and out of my head, a form of Catharsis  if you will, I feel better for having written it and still have not opened a discussion that I really am not ready to have at this point. It is enough that I have aired them out. I don’t generally keep them either…no sense in tempting fate.

I am not opposed to publishing thoughts and feelings on situations and the like, but when it comes to those nearest my heart, such as my religious views and political leanings, I have found little use, and less comfort in public discussions as there are those who delight in brow beating people until they are conceded their stance, which is of zero use to anyone.

 

 

 

When you think there is nothing left to write about…that’s when you get to the real Nitty Gritty…

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I currently write news bits for an online wrestling magazine site…and have found myself with writers block once again…

I was standing in my kitchen this morning, wondering if I have run out of things to say.

In the semi-quiet…I say semi-quiet, I have dogs and as any dog owner knows, semi-quiet is as good as it gets…ever…in silent retrospect it came crashing in…there is always things to write about, but sometimes you need to write about things in the order they are in your brain…that perhaps you need to write about this…before you write about anything else.

An AHA! moment if you will…that instead of cramming yet another junkie item in my mouth, I write what is on my mind instead of trying to bury it with a sandwich cookie.

***

I have spent years burying emotions with food…explains my weight problem that I have had since I was 6.

I eat not to feel…stress…anger…fear…anxiety…loss…confused…rejection…and it’s not good food I eat either…it’s the junk…cookies, chips, ice cream, chocolate, sweets…by the handful, eaten in the privacy of my bedroom, the girls room when I was in school, in a mad dash as I walked home from school, washed down with teeth rotting sodas. Telling fibs as to why my allowance was already spent. I am surprised I am not a diabetic at this point with all the sugary crap that I have shoved in my mouth until I am sick, so as not to feeling anything other than the stomach ache, and once that is gone, I continue to shove the junk back in my gob to keep the feelings at bay.

Self-defeating, because the feelings don’t go away, and the cake and ice cream become one more struggle in your life.

Instead…feel the feelings…the anger, the hurt, the grief, the confusion…feel them all. Embrace them, for feelings don’t always linger, some are only fleeting, but they all help us learn about ourselves.

Yes, they can overwhelm, and that’s okay to be overwhelmed by them. If you find that feeling the feelings puts you in a position to hurt yourself or someone else, please contact a distress line, therapist, or even your local emergency room.

You are not alone, no one is ever alone, there is always someone who wants to help you…and me.

 

 

Balls…Sometimes there is something so good about Good-Bye…and it is the easiest thing to say…

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Had a disagreement with a dear friend…

Well she disagreed with me at any rate…

All over a courtesy email regarding a 25 year old tin of seeds…

I thought she overacted…because she did…the whole situation had absolutely nothing to do with her…and yet she went completely off the reservation…

She had been a complete nasty bitch…

And I told her that…

It was a tin of seeds that were so old they were probably no longer viable…

And yet apparently a great injustice had happened, a great affront to parties (who she avoids) had been perpetrated, by someone she had a falling out with (not me…at this point…)

It was grab your torches and pitchforks time…justified by passages in the Bible, which she was quite clear in pointing out. She does that a lot, contorts the Bible as an excuse to be a bitch. She does conveniently forget the areas of the Bible that directly contradicts her actions.

So during this freak-out, I also informed her I could no longer consul her on her traumatic past – a properly certified therapist would be the better option – nor could I continue to give advice on her marriage – because I am not married – and nor could I give advise on her child – because I don’t have any – so I have very  little I can contribute to that.

She came back with – Is that how you really feel? You devalue yourself that much?

This immediately got my backup; I was like who the hell are you?

I did respond in that my lack of experience in these matters does not mean I devalue myself.

She also accused me of kicking a dog when it’s down (meaning her). Only in her own mind was she a victim in this sense.

She then decided to change email addresses and sent a message saying if I wanted the new one then I needed to ask for it…even as her ‘best friend’ I still have to jump through hopes to prove my worthiness…I haven’t asked for it…and I never will…I don’t want it.

This whole thing…

It got me thinking of our friendship…

She’s dangerous…

Manipulative and Conniving…

Dressed up as a hippy dippy silly girl…

It was small things at first…eating my food, but not sharing hers. Not paying for anything outside her needs in the apartment we shared, so I was the one buying toilet paper, dish soap, cleaning supplies, etc. She used it all, but never bought it, Same with any freebies I got from work, one night even eating an entire baguette to herself.  She once consumed the entire contents of a hot chocolate container in a week (I had only one cup); and then would make comments about how wouldn’t it be nice if we had more – didn’t go out to replace it mind you; her with her $20/hr job; nope she expected me to go pay for it on my $8/hr minimum wage job. Bread and Milk, she used…never replaced. Then had the audacity to comment on how she would get mad when she’d go to use something and I had used the last of it. Umm…no…I never used the last of anything you bought, I always made sure there was at least a serving and a half of anything that you rarely contributed to the household…maybe pay attention to what you are using…stupid woman. Then it went to using my computer to work online and stuff because she had deleted all usable programs off her computer because she didn’t think she needed them. Ultimately turning my fairly new computer (a year old) – purchased from the Ombudsmen Office at UBC – into a boat anchor because she downloaded a virus. (oops…tee hee…stupid woman).  Gifting me stuff then asking for it back because she actually wanted it after all. Buying me licorice as a treat and then eating most of it on the bus ride to come see me. Calling me a bitch because I had the nerve to ask her why she turned the stove off, dumped the kettle and then refilled it and put it back on the stove, after I had just filled the kettle and put it on the stove. Dropping anchor at my Gran’s house in MDHT, and treating it like a hotel. Correcting my elderly, Alzheimer suffering Gran when she used the word Lucky. Having the kids that use to live in the foster home she use to work at come and crash at our apartment; even when they had violent people looking for them, or with them.

If I wasn’t on-board with her plans she became quite verbally abusive. When I pointed this out during our falling out she claimed she had no memory of this but if that is what I remember then she is sorry. Selective Memory…nice…

She is the author of her own sad tale…

Since we both moved to Alberta; I have seen her 3 times in the last 6 years, the last time being 4 years ago.

I was suppose to be the Godmother of her child, my gut told me to decline, but I accepted as we were still ‘best friends’, I regretted saying yes immediately…I wanted no obligations to her. Her son is almost 3 and I have yet to even meet him…

I haven’t spoken to her since June…and I don’t miss her…

I still have her on Facebook…but not Pinterest…she un-followed me…when I don’t know…nor do I care.

Since it’s been 3 1/2 months since our last contact, I will be removing her from my social media accounts effective immediately…

Should be strangely cathartic…

 

 

 

Sometimes where you are planning to be isn’t where you actually end up…and sometimes Church isn’t in a building…

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I had planned to go to Church this morning…

Got up, got dressed and headed out; by the time I got to the little Church outside of town that I attend it was 10:45 and the service had started at 10, so instead of turning right I went straight and headed further out of town.

Just me…Elvis…and Two Lane Black Top.

S. Alberta has wide open blue skies, and out where the prairies meet the foothills its lush and green.

It reminded me why I moved home from VanCity 6 years ago. I love my home, there is nothing like the prairies of S. Alberta.

Roll the windows down and the smell of Lucent fills the air inside your vehicle.

When I am driving like this I tend to stop at random places and take photos random things on the road side…    Portfolio

I find when I am out of sorts this is really my Church…

It’s not four walls and a roof with pew…

It’s two lane black top with the windows rolled down, good tunes on the radio…while I take deep breaths…and reflect on my faith and what means to me as the wide blue sky spans like a canopy over head…

 

The Joy of Missing Out AKA JOMO…AKA Just Say No…

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Embrace the JOMO.

The Joy of Missing Out (JOMO) is the flip side to The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

JOMO and FOMO…sound like a pair of Troll or Ogre Twins.

Being enslaved to FOMO means taking on more things than your plate…and you… can realistically handle at any one time, as much as we all aspire to be on par with the Gurus (especially those who try to emulate Martha Stewart…) you need to face reality; most of these gurus have a team of people doing most of the stuff.

In being enslaved to FOMO you find yourself run ragged, exhausted and frustrated. The expectation to be more, be better, do it all and look good doing it, tick all the boxes, achieve everything you’ve ever dreamed of by 55 and retire with millions in the bank. But even with FOMO; you are still missing out. Yes you are…but you are missing out on the wrong things. Don’t want to miss that gala with the movers and shakers? You end up missing baby’s first word. Absolutely have to go to that convention that is basically a repeat of the one last month but there will be new faces; you miss your daughter’s dance recital.

There is always a sacrifice to be made; yet when you embrace JOMO you’ll pick the right sacrifices.

Yes; there is the worry that the event you turn down could lead to great things; yet in the long run and grand scheme of things this is negligible. Sometimes opportunities that are presented to us may actually not be for us, but for someone else yet when we accept it; it could be in a way screwing things up for someone else. Have you ever been to an event and later told someone it was too bad they didn’t get to go because they would have benefited from it. Did it ever occur to you that the reason they didn’t get to go is because you did?

JOMO is about saying No to things; for whatever reason moves you; your spouse; your kids; the fact that it’s the 10th networking event in the last month and you just can’t be arsed because you know it will be the same people as the last three and the first two you attended (this one is for Dominic), the fact that what is being offered doesn’t razz your berries one iota. Because saying No to one thing means you get to say YES to other things.

JOMO can be applied to your professional life and your personal one as well. I understand it’s harder in the personal life due to pressure by our loved ones who seem to think that you should never ever say no to them (trust me I know all about this; I have a large extended family on my dad’s side and they all live in town…trust me…I KNOW!)

Can JOMO be applied to people? Yes…yes it can…and it should. For we are the company we keep; sorry but it’s true; who we associate with says a lot about us. That’s not to say that we get to treat our fellow human beings like shit, but it does means that we don’t have to be bosom buddies with them either, polite courtesy will do.  Some personalities don’t work well together and that’s just life, thus it’s alright to miss out on their company and be happier for it.

** Sometimes you do have to suck it up when it comes to doing time with people; because there will always be someone at an event that we don’t like and have to just put on the big girl panties and deal with it; this also goes for family members as we all have that one person in the family we could do without seeing anytime soon. **

Embracing JOMO can be challenging…daunting…downright scary even. But you can do it…even if it’s a baby step…take that step. As I said in my post about the CZ; once you do it…you’ll never go back. Embracing JOMO is also a state of mind; to be content with missing out on things.

Embrace the JOMO…and just say No…

It’s all about ATTITUDE…

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Yes…I am going to talk about ATTITUDE.

As in…A Double T Give me an I…another T and a U D E…

AT-A-TUUUUUUDE

Attitude is everything…and I do mean EVERYTHING. Attitude will dictate how we respond to a situation; or how we respond to each other.

You know what I am talking about…there are books and books on this subject; I have even owned a couple myself. The operative word being…OWNED…for some time ago I jettisoned these self-help habit books and how to deal with so & so books; because well the tips and stuff just weren’t me; and to follow said advice would be disingenuous. Maintaining a positive attitude 100% of the time can be hard to do…I know because I struggle with it some days. This is especially true when the Not-So-Shit-Hot days roll around…or when the permanent Not-So-Shit-Hot people roll in…you know those people…they could win the big bucks in the lottery and still say things are Not-So-Shit-Hot…yeah those people…everyone knows one of THOSE people…if you don’t…then you are one of THOSE people…and trust me on that…I know about that…because I use to be one of THOSE people. Never fear if you are one of THOSE people…there is help for you…if I can turn things around…so can you.

Attitude is a choice; you can chose to be positive as opposed to negative as easily as you can chose to be nice to people (which is not that hard) as opposed to being an asshole (not my first choice of words…but dickbasket seemed more biased gender wise…where as everyone has an asshole…and anyone can be an asshole…not everyone has a dick…I can honestly say this…because I don’t have one…but I digress)…where was I??? Oh yes…attitude is a choice. I recently listened to a couple of interviews with a gentleman who had recently been released from the company he had been with for the last several years; and I was greatly impressed (which says volumes as I am not easy to impress) with his attitude about the whole situation. He could have chosen to lament his change in fortunes or as so many have before him blasted the company…instead he is incredibly positive and quite excited about what the future holds for him (he’s also slightly nervous and well quite rightly so…anyone would be). This says a lot about him as a person; and that he is most likely quite remarkable (I have never met him…perhaps one day I will); there others who share his positive nature out there when adversity comes their way…whether as a small hiccup…a large burp…or a huge fart (like how I worked in the subtitle of my blog into an actual post…not bad..eh?)

I hear some of you snorting…(yes…you…in the back there…I know it was you…)

I hear the BUTS…and the YOU JUST DON’T GET IT…and the EASY FOR YOU TO SAY’s coming…remember I said I was one of those Not-So-Shit-Hot people…I had the same responses.

The last few years have been a struggle and a hustle; with knocks left and right…and I did flounder; and there are days where I sometimes still fall down; however for the most part I make a conscious…or is it conscientious…either way…decision to have a positive outlook. I understand that sometimes it’s hard…especially if the situation doesn’t lend itself to positives…Hello 2013 Alberta Floods…but then again perhaps it’s in the situations of adversity is when the positive attitude is most noticeable? Perfect strangers coming out to help those who are in need; be it during a flood; a transit strike in February or stranded travelers when 9/11 happened; a truly negative situation salvaged by the human spirit. When you come right down to it…attitude really is a condition of the human spirit.

Amen to that.

 

Epilogue: If the gentleman I spoke of someday reads this…You are truly remarkable…don’t ever forget that.